Nerves

I finally heard from the producer of my radio piece and we have a phone call set up for tomorrow morning. I am so nervous! He wants to know what I think is "at stake" in the piece. It picks up on one of the themes -- racial identity -- around which I am organizing my memoir. But I don't really know what to say. He says that for the radio, it needs to be built around scenes. I can do that on paper, but I'm less experienced (that is, not the least bit experienced) with the radio. I am going to listen to a few sample shows tonight, and definitely tune in to the program this evening at 8:43 p.m. I feel as if, if the phone call goes badly, he will just pull the plug on the whole thing.

I also had a nervous-making e-mail message from the editor of a potential publisher of the book. I've sent him sample chapters, which he skimmed. He is a really careful reader with a great eye. Just skimming the three chapters he has come up with ideas for changes that would improve it. That means re-visiting the manuscript. At first the criticism made me feel bad. But then I decided that for one thing, it is constructive, and for another, it was quite generous of him to provide it given that he knows that I am not even sure whether I will be giving him a shot at the manuscript. So I printed his comments and will think about making some changes if I end up sending him the manuscript for review.

These two interactions really got my nerves and anxiety flowing. I think it's because these are people in the industry who get to decide what to accept and what to reject. That's a lot of power. A lot of power over me.

Once again, it reminds me that just doing it is not enough for me. I am glad that I am doing it, of course. It's better to produce than not to produce. BUT, let's face it: legitimate writers get published. I want to be legitimate.