Is the second semester a time for a collective crash or something? Did anyone tell us that it is the hardest (God help us if the third is harder)? Or is it the full moon? Or the alignment of the planets? Or global warming?
Yes, I was running with an idea yesterday, yes, it has given me something to go on, yes, there is more there than there was yesterday or the day before. And yes, it is deepening, kind of. But it is also spread out all over the place, with little spikes of promise here and there. Can this really be what I think I want to do for a living?
I've had to make a decision. The decision is that I am willing to send whatever I have to my advisor, in the hopes that she can give me some direction. We're supposed to know that it all starts off badly (the whole shitty first draft idea). We're supposed to know that there is usually a kernel of something that can be nurtured into full bloom with some love and attention (remember all those drafts of Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art"?). We're supposed to know that fear, insecurity, self-doubt, loss of faith are as much a part of the process as that eureka feeling, moments of triumph, surges of confidence, times where we think "hey, I can do this," and the conviction that the Universe is good.
But on those days where I feel like I just want to crawl out of my skin and slither away from the keyboard, to do something practical or nothing at all, well, those are the days that it is hard to remember the rewards of sticking with it. Maybe one row of birch will get me back on track, knowing the promise that it holds.
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6 comments:
Full moon, spring fever...those are my reasons this week. Hope the knitting helps the nerves.
OMG. the birch looks beautiful. I too will be getting back to it. I want to do another test swatch and really pay attention this time... I love my current mentor, but one thing that seems to be missing is the acknowledgment that the things I hand in are first drafts. I don't feel the freedom to really just put crap out there. Which is unfortunate. Maybe I'll have to get over that one my own. (On the other hand, her high expectations are quite motivating for someone like me, who needs constant approval). Getting back to you (love how self-centered this comment is!), it's great that you're sending what you have and looking for direction. That's a great attitude.
Those birch notes from hibernium are really good. I have also figured out the moving marker so that it doesn't move. You have to make sure that you have the right number of stitches between each marker right from the first one. It will look as if it moves over one each time because of the yfwd, but actually, the stitch has just slipped to the wrong side of the marker and the marker can easily be pulled through. it's only on the first row of the 8 row pattern repeat. Make sure you master that part on the next swatch and you'll be all set.
Oh, yes, we're all feeling it. I was thinking similar thoughts as I walked to the mailbox today (it's a good walk), about how silly it seems, spending all this time writing my little stories. And then I read a story in the new Sun & remembered how wonderful stories are. We've got to trust it, this crazy process. Thanks for the post.
oh and bug- my mentor scratches out sentences all over the page & re-writes them! The stories look like they've been hacked at. That took some getting used to (because I'm so visual it was almost offensive at first).
ti-I'll look at your birch next.
Yup, I've been feeling "out of sync" as well.
I think mother earth is trying desperately to tell us she's out of balance.
Our environment affects our moods, our attitudes, etc. the more we are in tune with nature, the more we feel.
I'm totally feeling it!!!! Uggggh. Cannot get my head in my work. It's horrible. Totally been a much worse semester than first. Maybe we are having an early senioritis and then it will go away. I won't be able to take it if it stays like this.
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