I'm So Pumped!

I went to the CBC today to meet with the producer of the radio documentary that I am making for Outfront. Wow, wow, wow. First of all, the building itself is something else. I can't say it's beautiful but it's, well, it's the CBC, so we Canadians just love it as the embodiment of an institution. Look:


Then, they gave me a special pass so that I could go into the CBC, past the security guards and up the elevator. It was like being granted passage into some top secret agency. Then I spent the next two and half hours with an amazing producer who wanted to talk about nothing other than my creative project for the entire time! And he liked it and he encouraged it and he helped me make it better. And they're going to pay me for it. Pay. Me.

And I got some nifty recording equipment, loads of micro-disks (or whatever they're called), and a training session. So here's what is going to happen. I am leaving next week for the international portion of the tape-collection, working on scenes that I can only get in South Africa. When I get back, I listen the tape in real time and "log" it. That means I document track by track what is on the tape, what scenes etc. Once that's all done, it's time to come up with a narrative structure for my story, ending up in chapter titles that capture the dramatic arc of the piece. Then we get to start editing to shape the tape into my vision. When we have it roughly the way I want it, the producer takes over and does the final edit. It will be my piece. The final version requires my approval.

All I can say is, I am so very, very pumped.

Sunday Scribblings #35: Nemesis

This week Sunday Scribblings prompts us to write about Nemesis. So here goes.

Envy. Remember Amadeus? Salieri was so keenly aware of Mozart's genius that he (Salieri) let it consume him. Why can't I be so gifted, obsessed Salieri. How can this vulgar brute produce music of such divine inspiration? As depicted in the film, Salieri's envy of Mozart took both of them down in the end (not sure how true to the facts that rendition is, but nevermind). The thing of it is, you can't envy someone without admiring their talents or whatever it is they have that you want for yourself. But you can admire someone without envying them. So where does the envy come from? It has to come from wanting what they have but somehow thinking that you are incapable of having it too and that without it, you are in some way inferior. So envy is pernicious, the downfall, ruin, undoing of Salieri because Salieri allowed his own gifts to be diminished in the face of Mozart's.

I experience this sometimes when I read gifted authors. Rather than just enjoying their work, I let their talent diminish my own, as if unless I can write like them, I have no right to write at all. That can really put the stopper on flow, and we all know how important flow is to creativity. There is a lot of creative space in the universe. Enough that it's not necessary to begrudge others their gifts and talents.

I don't want envy to be my nemesis, but I do fear it. I am not a visual artist, so I can't draw envy, but if I could, it would really, really ugly. And green, of course.

Flower Petal

Well, the flower petal shawl is done, blocked and has even been worn once. I love it. The Italian plum pure peruvian alpaca was the perfect choice for it. The pattern was, as promised, a great first lace project. I made a few small mistakes, but as they say in the knitting world, a mistake helps to verify the authentic hand-made character of the piece.





I've also purchased kidsilk haze for the Rowan birch shawl project that Bug and I are going to embark on together in January. Much as I am drawn to reds and purples, I went for the new "hurricane" blue this time and splurged on an extra ball to do a practice swatch.



The verdict on lace knitting: I like it, I like it. December projects: socks-in-progress and a sweater that I started last year.

Auto-Pilot

Two weeks until I get on the plane for South Africa and I am already on auto-pilot. There is just way too much happening all at once right now. I have made a decision, however, to set Saturday aside as a day that is dedicated to my creativity. In addition to taking time to revise my workshop pieces for the January residency, I am going block the lace shawl that I started back in October. Tonight I knit the last point on it and sewed in all of the ends that needed sewing in. Photos will be taken, I can assure you!

It's probably time to make a list, too. That can wait until Sunday.

In Praise of Outlines

Outlines are the best. I just put the finishing touches on a course outline that I have been developing for a few weeks now. Actually, I've been thinking about the course for a lot longer than that -- at least a year. Completing the outline is like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I now know exactly what the students will be doing to earn their grades, how much each assignment/task is going to be worth, when it will be due, and what we will be reading at each class meeting as well as what the unifying theme for each meeting will be. So, I haven't even taught the class yet but now I have no worries about it. I just need to show up prepared every day. The hardest work has been done.

So that got me thinking about how I use outlines in other parts of my life, and especially my writing life. Like I said, I have been thinking about this course for a long, long time, but only once I got the outline on paper does it feel as if it has come together. When I was working on my philosophy manuscript (for seven *$#&%!! years), I slapped together quite a few outlines. But none of them felt authentic. I knew that I wasn't going to use them. One fine autumn day in 2005 (we're talking six and a half good years into this project), I was walking home from the university where I had spent a pleasant afternoon in the library. The air was fresh and the street was quiet but for the sound of my own breathing. Suddenly, the entire layout of the book presented itself to me from introduction to conclusion and everything in between. I picked up the pace. As soon as I sat down in front of the computer and wrote the outline, naming each chapter, dividing the book into sections, and putting the title at the top of page. I printed this off and posted it to the wall. In that few minutes, what had been a burden in prospect became ultra-clear. With the outline taped to the wall in front of me, I spent the next few months just filling it in. I knew exactly where I needed to go with it because I had a true sketch of the whole. Showing up at my desk became an exciting journey once I had a map, even though the map was just a schematic.

Lately, I've felt overwhelmed by the memoir. I know that this is, in part, because I have no outline. But nor am I ready to produce one. Outlines emerge when the time is right. But when they do, for me anyway, they take me far more than half way there. The stress lifts and I just need to show up at the page (or for class), ready to do what I said I was going to do. Before that, I need to keep throwing myself at the project from all directions and trust the my outline will appear. Maybe it's time for a walk.

Sunday Scribblings #34: Hero (Supererogatory Action)

In moral philosophy we sometimes talk about a category of action called “the supererogatory.” Supererogatory actions are heroic. They are not required, it’s not the case that anyone has to do them; they go beyond the call of duty. But they are not forbidden either. They’re optional. But they're very good. Very, very good. Now, the thing about this particular moral category that we have to watch out for is that sometimes, because it is human nature to be lazy about doing what is required by morality, it is easy for us to slip into thinking that when we do what we’re supposed to do, we’re doing something especially laudable, supererogatory, heroic. But remember, supererogatory acts are more than what we're supposed to do. We can be morally good without being heros.

For example, imagine a household in which there is a father and a mother and two small children. Imagine, further, that both parents have day jobs. Stretch the imagination still a little further to picture that, usually, at the end of the day, the mother gets the meal on the table, cleans up the kitchen, and gets the kids ready for bed. Except on Fridays. On Fridays, the big treat is that Dad picks up pizza and a DVD on the way home from work and makes a salad and puts the dinner on the table and disposes of the box and puts the glasses in the dishwasher, gets the movie going, puts the popcorn in the microwave, and eventually gets the kids ready for bed and reads them a story. Sometimes, when Dads do this sort of thing, everyone jumps up and down with praise. Wow, isn’t Dad wonderful! He takes over every single Friday night! Hello! This is not heroic. In fact, this Dad is not doing his fair share of the domestic labour. And when Mum goes out to her book group for the evening once a month on Wednesdays, Dad is NOT, I repeat, he is NOT, babysitting. He’s a parent. Parents spend time with their children. He does not deserve a hero cookie. If anyone deserves one, it's the mother. She's doing more than she should. That’s just one example. It’s nice to encourage people, but let’s remember that doing what you’re supposed to do is not heroic, even if lots of others don’t do it.

For more writings about heros, heroines, heroism and the heroic, see this week's Sunday Scribblings.

Show, Don't Tell -- Oh Really?

I made it through the phone call with the guy from the radio. It was great. He probed about the question driving my project -- what do I want to know? How will I be changed? He emphasized the importance of showing the story through scenes and developing a plot. "Above all," he said, "in radio documentaries we do everything we can to show, not tell." This is all starting to sound very familiar! He asked me exactly the same questions that my advisor has been asking me since July.

I can do this!

Nerves

I finally heard from the producer of my radio piece and we have a phone call set up for tomorrow morning. I am so nervous! He wants to know what I think is "at stake" in the piece. It picks up on one of the themes -- racial identity -- around which I am organizing my memoir. But I don't really know what to say. He says that for the radio, it needs to be built around scenes. I can do that on paper, but I'm less experienced (that is, not the least bit experienced) with the radio. I am going to listen to a few sample shows tonight, and definitely tune in to the program this evening at 8:43 p.m. I feel as if, if the phone call goes badly, he will just pull the plug on the whole thing.

I also had a nervous-making e-mail message from the editor of a potential publisher of the book. I've sent him sample chapters, which he skimmed. He is a really careful reader with a great eye. Just skimming the three chapters he has come up with ideas for changes that would improve it. That means re-visiting the manuscript. At first the criticism made me feel bad. But then I decided that for one thing, it is constructive, and for another, it was quite generous of him to provide it given that he knows that I am not even sure whether I will be giving him a shot at the manuscript. So I printed his comments and will think about making some changes if I end up sending him the manuscript for review.

These two interactions really got my nerves and anxiety flowing. I think it's because these are people in the industry who get to decide what to accept and what to reject. That's a lot of power. A lot of power over me.

Once again, it reminds me that just doing it is not enough for me. I am glad that I am doing it, of course. It's better to produce than not to produce. BUT, let's face it: legitimate writers get published. I want to be legitimate.

Thank You!

I am fortunate to have a gifted and generous friend, and a gifted and generous relative. Together, they have helped me to personalize the look of my blog in a way that I never could have done by myself. Thank you, both. I love it! TI

O "K," O "K"

Bug tagged me with a meme on "K". "K" is a tough one. That's why you get 5 points for it in Scrabble. I'm still kind of new to this meme thing, and don't know how long I'll cooperate with it (does that make me a bad blogger citizen?).

10 wonderful things that start with "K":
Knitting
Kid silk haze
Kissing
Kaleidoscopes
Kites
Kant (Immanuel)
Kudos
Kindness (especially random acts of)
Kneading dough (very sensual)
Karma (the good kind)

5 bad things that start with "K"
Killing
Kicking
Kidnapping
Kryptonite
Karma (when it's bad, it's really bad)

Reflections on First Semester

I sent my last submission of the first semester of my MFA out on the weekend. What a great experience it has been so far. The main assignments were two craft annotations per month and 15-20 pages of new writing per month (revising a previous submission for this last month). Here's what I can say about the impact of the past few months on my writing, in no particular order.
1. My writing has improved but I am much more aware of how much I have to learn.
2. I've developed a real respect for feedback and have learned to value and even enjoy constructive criticism of my work.
3. My awareness of the craft has sharpened, particularly when I read other writers.
4. I learned that I can write new pages on a regular basis and be effective in my "day job" at the same time.
5. It's been amazing to become a part of a small but supportive writing community (the Mutual Inspiration Society -- you know who you are!).
6. I love writing more than ever, even when it's tough going.
7. I've not yet found the heart of the memoir, but it is coming and I am trusting the process.
8. I'm starting to catch glimpses of ways to combine skills that I already have in the career I am already in with a new direction that is more supportive of my creative writing.
9. There is nothing glamourous about the writing life (at least not at this stage).
10. One of the finest pearls of wisdom that my advisor got into my head was "reveal significant moments in the story for maximum impact." I used to tell way too much up front. Now I am learning to craft scenes so that I pace the release of information more effectively. That makes re-writing especially fun.

I am really excited about the January residency!

Walking in the Night Spray

It is an incredible November evening out there and we just got back from a beautiful walk. The leaves are all down and the air is cool, but not cold. It is raining, but not the kind of rain that needs an umbrella. Instead, it is a gentle spray that feels fresh against rosy cheeks. And the tiny drops on the evergreens in the yard glisten from the light of the street lamps, like sparkling, perishable diamonds.

When we got to the gate it was too soon to let go of the mist. So we stood outside. And stood a little longer. And said nothing. And said nothing in the silent night rain.

Sunday Scribbling #32 Morning

This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is "morning."

I love the comfort of my bed, but morning is my favourite time of day so it's hard for me to stay in bed. I get up early so that I can make the morning last as long as possible. The quiet calm of morning is difficult to capture at any other time. I like to ease my mind and body into the day, and early rising makes that possible. Today, for example, the morning isn't even over and I've already meditated, written my three morning pages (a great morning habit that I first discovered when I read Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way), done yoga, had breakfast, winterized my motorcycle for storage, and bagged 15 bags of autumn leaves. I can still make a cup of tea and put the finishing touches on my fourth submission and send it off to my mentor before lunch. Time is so expansive in the morning, especially on Sunday. I highly recommend the morning to anyone who hasn't tried it yet!

When to Stop Revising?

How do you know when to stop revising? I am revising a piece right now for my final MFA submission of the semester, and it just keeps on growing and growing and growing. I am adding scenes, but am not sure if they all work, or if they are making it worse. I've rearranged some of the action. My advisor has been consistent in urging me to think about how to present something for maximum impact. Still kind of groping around in the dark there. Since I can't figure out when to stop revising, I have decided to stop at noon tomorrow. Whatever I have by then, that's what the submission will be. It doesn't need to be perfect, just good enough. I expect to have to revisit this piece several times. I'm quite sure that a whole different perspective is going to come once I've been to South Africa. I also plan to submit at least some of it for the January workshops. I am so excited about the January residency!

I did send something to the CBC Literary Awards on Tuesday. Their word limit was 2500, so I just picked three scenes and arranged them in a new way, re-wrote them for "maximum impact" and sent them in. I'm less concerned about winning than I am about developing the habit of sending stuff out.

I did hear back from a second pubisher who wants to look at the philosophy manuscript, but I haven't heard back from the first yet. So now I don't know what to do since Editor Number Two wants "a clear shot" at it for three months. I take it that means no one else should have it at the same time. Rather than agonize, I am going to take it all as good news and deal with it after the weekend.

Now, back to revising.